This is the last time I will write you. My heart is on the last strings of healing from what happened. There are finally no electric emotions which sucker punches me about behavior I can't go back and amend.
First and foremost, I am happy for the love and joy in your life. Through the last days and conversations before the silence, I know how scary the impending absence was for you. When I sensed the impending powder keg, I tried to communicate the best way I knew how. I know raising my voice and demanding attention is not the way to go about that now.
I am sorry for the times my emotions overwhelmed me, and I did not know how to process them. I appreciate how often you were so gentle and sweet to comfort me. There were many shadows I had to work through, and I am grateful for those experiences to have a safe and loving partner help me through them. I also know that I tried to sparkle as hard as I could to illuminate your dark days. I know you carried so much inside that I tried to be a beacon for you--a respite. Along the way, emotional distance and superficial inflexiblity fractured the delicate balance of a very vulnerable relationship.
The last months were no fun. I know I forgot what was authentic fun--a connection between me and you. I would see glimmers. We would dance back and force in the minimum sincerity, just not enough that ignites the previous connection. That connection wasn't in sync. We lost our sparkle for each other. I don't believe it died, it evolved into a new chapter. Even in the end, we had fleeting moments of connection that I will treasure. Treasure in the same way the many years we spent together, and dreams of more during that time, meant so much to me. Those last few experiences made me feel connected to the authentic wonderful person you are, and I am glad you are shining in this next chapter.
We both know that it's for the best, then and now.
I know now that I finally in love with the person I am becoming--something that took me too long to figure out in our relationship. I didn't feel comfortable sharing this person inside with you, even though you'd support her as you had. What I sensed was that we were unable to grow together, so my actions forced these two a part. That's what I think about most: how tragic it is that the person closest to you one day becomes a stranger with a shared intimate connection.
Like I said, it's no longer an electric current shocking me when I think of you and what happened. Instead, the revelation crashes over me every once in awhile, like tonight, that some where along the course of our partnership that we neglected the most important source of connection: the authentic expression of what was in our hearts--the dreams, loves, fears, and hopes. We knew them in an old chapter, just not in that chapter. My actions closed the book for you.
Even though I know my book is closed too, it's still on the shelf, loved, dogeared and tattered.
What I am Rocking: Lavender Quartz
Lavender quartz is a close relative of rose quartz and thus is a very heart centered stone. For me, lavender quartz helps to comfort the exhausting emotional releases of the heart.