I am feeling called to share a deeply personal story today. A story that is rooted in a lot of uncertainty and shame for a long time. My intention is to share why healing shame is such a profound gift for finding out who you are and what you are made of.
Ok deep breath, T.
In second grade, I remember distinctly reading a Time Magazine for kids article about twins, who were separated after birth, had a longing throughout their life for their counterpart. Knowing, that out in the big world, there was someone just like them.
My heart ached because I knew what they were feeling. I, too as a little girl, knew what it meant to miss part of you you've never met.
You see, from as far back as I can remember, I have always had this sense that there was another "me" out there. Exactly like me. My counterpart in every way.
Except, he was a boy.
For years, I would look at myself in the mirror, staring myself in the eyes, asking aloud: where are you? Honestly I can consciously remember doing this in 2nd grade (6 years old!) and through 8th grade. I never told anyone. I was so afraid of being weird. Or how could I explain that there was a part of myself that felt like he was out there waiting for me?
I knew I could never tell anyone because I would be labeled a freak, or worse, be denied that this wasn't "real."
This balance between masculine and feminine played out in many iterations.
I was chastised and told to "cover up" my boobs consistently as a teen and even a year ago. I was not entitled for my body to just be because boys were distracted and teasing. I wore the ugliest, unlined bras until into college because there was no way I was going to even add a .25" or less of padding to my already inappropriate, and unwelcomed body.
I didn't wear t-shirts until my mid-20s because I thought t-shirts were too masculine.
My junior year of college, I vowed to stop buying chick flicks and instead started to seek out more "guy friendly" movies.
There were very few people who I told I was bi because I didn't want to be labeled "just doing it for attention." Honestly, I knew I liked women before I knew I liked men.
All of these experiences caused shame to root deeper. My whole existence felt polarized, and that I was too much female while my Soul felt aligned with a more masculine identity. I never, ever talked about my shameful secret.
Fast forward to a Fate Date where everything started shifting. I met a psychic who, NO JOKE, point blank asked me: "did you ever feel like you were supposed to be a boy?"
She knew within the first five minutes of being in her room. I was caught! and Shocked.
It feels silly to me now to think that questioning my gender identity is some dark shameful secret. But it was for a long time.
That session with the psychic was radical and life changing. Spending an hour with her once changed my life for the better. I dove into crystals and meditation at that time. My life journey forever altered for the better. What I learned from her, I seek in my service to provide: soul connections.
What I have come to learn in my years of studying spirituality is how much the balance of the masculine and feminine is rooted in almost every creation story or belief system, with some Native American tribes believing there are 7 genders.
I have learned we are all somewhere between the two polarities at any given moment in our life. These nuances express our dynamic Soul self. We are all a combination of masculine and feminine, divine and wounded. With toxic it corrupts our expression of either.
We can utilize masculine and feminine energy, and there is nothing weak or shameful about it. So for the years that I put down myself for my sensitivity for thinking it was weak, I have forgiven myself. In fact, I now own my feminine as as sacred. As the sacred, receptive energy it is. My masculine side has been my wounded self, and I have allowed Him to be present safely. Masculine energy is assertive and linear, but it's not the only way to exist.
Masculine energy says: either or, a or b, white or black? Never gray. Always a right answer. Must dominate. Conquer.
In life, there's complexity, beauty in the layers. Flexibility, waiting, responsiveness. That's the feminine. Yin to her yang.
Cutting my hair short felt like an embrace of my non binary identity. I felt confident in laying across genders, embracing their complexity and learning what that identity means to me each and every day. Looking at each part of myself from an understanding and embrace of masculine and feminine taught me how to heal wounded versions. The me that was a sad little girl, missing her male counterpart, welcomed that boy with love and a hug.
On Monday, I spent time with a client and friend who has recently embraced they/them as their pronouns, and I felt truly seen. They saw me at my soul level, an amalgamation of all and both. I saw them for who they are, a Divine Soul who understands people with more sincerity and genuineness because they are showing up authentically as their self.
For the first time in my life, I feel whole. We are all made up of cosmic layers of energetic stardust both ethereal and physical. Those atoms all vibrate at frequencies that align specifically for you.
That's the gift of being here: to show up as you are.
You are seen, and you are loved regardless.
I see you, and I love you for who you are.
Since earlier this year I have worked with over a half dozen people about owning their identity and navigating the depression and anxiety that can come with figuring it out. There's so much guilt and shame which we hold onto to conform ourselves to others' standards. Right now, we need as many people being their true self, to shine their authentic light.
If you're tired of feeling less and living inauthentically, let's work together. I always offer a complimentary chat so we can see if coaching is a fit for you. With coaching, we move you forward. What would healing these wounds and self acceptance bring you?